Editorial Guidelines of Today's Newspapers - Very Funny !!

A former disgruntled journalist of The Thongs of India (ThOI) who was fired for underperforming despite managing to insert 30 revealing photos of Britney Spears in 27 days in several pages including the Business and health section, has handed over copies of the highly confidential ThOI’s Editorial Guidelines document to Mutiny.in. Here are the excerpts :

Being the hippest, heppest, coolest and hottest newspaper in town it is your duty as a journalist to uphold the image that we have garnered over a century. To make up for our lack of contribution to the Indian Freedom Struggle, the management urges you to spend atleast 6 months in jail for publishing obscene images.

If the Word editor throws up spelling alerts while you are typing words like ‘heppest’, turn the dictionary off. Our readers are blessed with dysfunctional inbuilt dictionaries or are too busy looking at the the ‘gals’ cleavage and bare-chested men as our survey has shown.

As a ThOI journalist, you would know that every inch of our newspaper is up for sale – be it the Editorial, movie and book reviews, business articles, the weather(please co-ordinate with cricket bookies) and the main headlines. The other 40% of space which is not up for sale shall be used to promote the management’s sister, brother, mother, father and grandfather ventures.

We also have an incentive program for journalists to win extra cash depending on performance.
* 20 points for inserting old bikini/ bra pictures of retired actresses who is in the news for delivering a baby or becoming pregnant.
* 10 points for replacing all instances of ‘women’, ‘ladies’ and ‘female’ with ‘gals’.
* 25 points for using uber-cool terms like ‘prez’ for ‘President’, ‘Oz’ for ‘Australia’ in the main headline.
* 50 Points and a Lifetime Achievement award certificate if you manage to use more half-naked photos of women than found in Asian Age’ last page. 10 bonus points for reporting ‘wardrobe malfunctions’.
* 5 points each for using contemporary words like ‘sizzling’, ‘chic’ and ‘scorching’. Refer to the ThOI ‘Words for Everyday Use’ manual for additional guidelines.

We have an internal policy of only using our team of gay stalkers to do movie reviews. However anyone who can make use of the “Pay-10-grand-for-a-star-scheme’ can also take it up. Do not waste time on reviewing books. Use our legendary copy-paste mechanism while lifting articles from other websites and blogs.

Use health section for offering sex-tips and for publishing photos of ‘gals’ doing aerobics or with an orgasmic expression in spas and also for funky(yes that’s a cool ThOI word) graphs for demonstrating facts like the increasing urge for sex among youngsters after taking sugar cane juice.

Use the business section to trace ancestries of well- known American and European businessmen to publish ‘that Indian connection’. For example, Steve Jobs’ grandmothers neighbour shook hands with a man whose sister-in-laws friend was born in Mumbai. Also interview everyone hanging around tea shops outside IITs and IIMs and write articles about their next big venture.

Hire former tainted cricketers who have played half-a-test match-and-dropped-2-catches to write expert columns on how India can win the next world cup. Low angle shots of ‘tennis gals’ or beach shots of soccer stars’ girlfriends are also welcome.

Hope these guidelines will help all you journalists to sustain the editorial quality and satisfy readership demands that ThOI is well known for.
Disclaimer: The above write up is a parody, not a news report and has no relation to this post. Right.