We have all been in the situation where somebody asks us to do them, a
favor and, even though there are a gazillion other things we should do
first, we find it difficult to turn the other person down. The reasons
vary from things like he or she has done us a favor in the past, to
they are a close friend or a family member.
So we reluctantly
say yes, when we really wanted to say no, but couldn’t; and so we find
ourselves trapped into doing something that we really did not want to
do. We can sometimes be so worried at causing disappointment in other
people that we will try to please them; often at the expense of our own
activities and interests.
Frankly, knowing how to say ‘no’
requires skill. Others might say that it shouldn’t be hard to do. But,
let’s face it. We live as social beings and acceptance often occupies
the number one spot in the list of virtues we want to achieve. Despite
this, there are actually ways we can circumvent this difficulty using
the following tips.
1. Say ‘no’; then show what the other person has to do to get a ‘yes’.
For
example the person wants you to help clean out her garage and storage
shed. You know this means you work while she is on the phone. You do
not want to do that so you say “no.” Then before they can take a
breath: Tell the person that they must be willing to help do the work,
and anything you say is trash gets thrown away with no argument. You
can add on other conditions like she is buying the pizza, and soda, and
so on. Once that person agrees to your conditions then you will say yes.
2. Make it impersonal.
I
always give my daughter an out, I tell her to blame me. She can say no
to her friends and then tell them her dad is making her stay home that
night. Other people use me as the excuse; such as my neighbors tell
their friends that they can’t party there as that guy across the street
will call the cops.
3. Say ‘no’ in a way that will make the other person have to say ‘no’.
Instead
of saying ‘no’, teach the other person to say ‘yes’ to what you want.
Do this subtly, of course. Say your friend wants to borrow your lawn
mower, say yes but add the condition that they have to mow your yard
first. Most people when faced with extra work will balk, and change
their minds.
4. Say you want to say ‘yes’, but…
You
feel like your being extorted and used. Tell the person honestly that
you do not feel they should be doing that right now. Do not offer
excuses; just tell them ‘no’ in a stern manner. Explain that you are
not there to support them; they should learn how to support themselves.
This
is especially true when loaning money. Never sacrifice your own well
being, tell them you will not loan them any money until they repay the
last amount, and when they do, tell them you will not loan them any
money because they are not managing it well. Offer to help them manage
it, or get them help if they choose, but do not continue to propagate
the problem.
5. Say it nicely.
You’re
giving negative news, so you might as well do it nicely. Let the other
person down easy to avoid misunderstandings. It’s the least you can for
the disappointed. People tend to be more accepting of bad news if it’s
brought in a polite and sympathetic manner. Put the onus on them: Tell
them you can see their point, but you are not going to help them do
something you feel is a bad idea.
For example the neighbor’s kid
wants to borrow your lawn mower so he can mow lawns to make some money.
The last time you did this it came back dirty, broke and out of gas. So
you explain that since he did not treat your stuff with respect he can
not use it again. Thus saying no, but in a manner that causes no hard
feeling towards yourself.
So to sum up:
Do not ever feel guilty about saying “No”; remember it is your life and
not theirs. No sense in being miserable, if saying yes makes you happy
then do so; on the other hand if saying yes cause discomfort, pain and
personal dissatisfaction, then say “No.” |
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