How can anyone be “too nice”? Isn’t being “nice” a good quality to have in a relationship?
When
niceness is a sign of genuine respect, kindness and interest in
another, it is a wonderful quality to have. When the “niceness” is a
by-product of low self-esteem, passivity, or desperate loneliness, it
can be a liability, and can make other people feel uneasy.
Have
you ever met a person who never expresses their real preferences,
opinions, or desires, even in the smallest matters? When someone asks
them, “Where do you want to go tonight?” they reply, “I don’t care,
anything is fine with me, where do you want to eat?”
A person
who won’t state their opinion or preference may think they are being
nice, but this is not niceness, this is a form of fearfulness, and a
lack of self-respect.
Some people develop
the trait of never asking for what they want because they were raised
in a family where expressing wants or opinions was discouraged, or even
disallowed. They may have been literally taught that they shouldn’t
speak up, that they shouldn’t want anything for themselves, and that
everyone else’s opinion mattered more than theirs did.
A child
who grew up in a family where they weren’t allowed to express their
needs or opinions, may grow up believing that this is how the whole
world wants them to behave, even after they have become adults. They
may find it difficult to take the initiative in any situation involving
other people. They may feel uncomfortable or fearful expressing their
desires. They may even feel they are being “bad” if they ask for
anything.
Although they may think that being extremely passive
and refusing to make decisions is their way of “being nice”, it isn’t
always fun having a person who is this self-effacing as a friend.
It
can be tiring for the other person in the friendship to have to make
every decision just because their passive friend won’t make any. In
relationships that are healthy and satisfying, both people share
responsibility equally when making plans and decisions.
If you
believe that being nice means never asking for anything for yourself,
it’s important to learn to pay attention to your needs, to respect
yourself, and to ask for what you want and need. Take your turn making
decisions with others. Make your needs and preferences heard.
If you find your wishes are always being ignored, take a close look at why this is happening and see how you can change it. |
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